Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
when dads have a rap battle
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.