Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all