Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶