This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?