Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You Might Also Like
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*lint rolls you awake*
my nickname in college
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.