Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.