I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Not today