Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
thanks auntie mary
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL