Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
There’s no “u” in narcissist
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
✌️
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.