*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
You Might Also Like
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
A leaf blower, but for people.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
it’s the silliest best thing