There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.