me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?