[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“I FIXED IT!”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not