Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
This raises questions
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.