9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“What?”
– Jude
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me