My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross