One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO