Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Guantanamo Bae
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
What the hell happened in there??
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.