ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You Might Also Like
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.