You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl