Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar