My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”