STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Need this in my life lol
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.