Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Trying
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
the official breakfast of 2021
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.