Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
S O O N
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.