if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad