BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]