Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Never forget.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
concern
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes