I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
You Might Also Like
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.