*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
You Might Also Like
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat