The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?