*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
You Might Also Like
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
No regrets in 2018
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy