I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself