JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.