Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*pronounces UPS like yoops
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭