I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?