FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha