Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.