Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*