I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
You Might Also Like
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician