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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
good for her
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me trying to “trust the process”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait