My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
and now we wait
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.