If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
War & Peace
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*