Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.