North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.