My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
he’s doing your taxes
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.