Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
it must be school picture day
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
A drum solo but on your face.