*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.