*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
HR said no more nunchucks.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?