I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You can’t outrun your problems…
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder